What I do or don’t do
is never enough.
I speak too little
or speak too much.

Slept with so many men,
it scares me to count.
Can’t say the right thing.
I’ll never amount.

I hang out with boys
I’m too much of a slut
I can drink like a fish
and I’m stuck in this rut.

I’m not good enough.
The oyster without the pearl.
Always the screw-up,
just a bad girl. 

more drugs more drugs
sleepy yet?
no.

more drugs more drugs
sleepy yet?
yes.

but this state of mind
it’s wonderful.
I don’t want to sleep now.

goodnight. 

Listen to the rumors.
That’s who I used to be.
No matter how much I try to change,
that will always be a part of me.

I can’t escape.
No matter what I do.
I want life to end,
but what happens then?

I try so hard
and fail too much.
I’m stuck in this everlasting Hell. 

I’m sleepy.
My vision is off.
Motor skills?
No more, no more.

Jesus, why do I do this?
All I wanted was to sleep.
I took the pills
to stop the freeway thoughts,
but now I’m awake
and all I can do is think.

I love this feeling.
I hate it too.
I hate who I am.
What do I do? 

I didn’t understand.
I didn’t know it was wrong.
I didn’t want to tell you
that it hurt.

You bit me till I bled and bruised,
scratched me with your nails.
Didn’t stop once when I finally spoke,
my crying made you smile.

You made me think that it was okay,
you made me think you were right.
I can’t believe that you tricked me,
and that I never put up a fight.

I shut my mouth and smiled.
I followed you around.
I stayed home every night because
going out wasn’t allowed.

You laughed at me
and put me down,
hated things I loved. 
Cried when you didn’t get your way,
and I never made a sound.

I don’t know why you did this.
I don’t know why you got mad. 
I don’t know why I’m the only one
who goes through all the bad.

You never said you were sorry,
you blamed it all on me.
You act like we’re still friends,
and around you I can’t speak.

Flashing lights
all the colors
head’s spinning
heart’s beating…
Slow.

Fall asleep
wake up
snort some more
dance some more…
Fucked up. 

Sober party attendee,
I’m the only drugged up one.
Staring eyes at me,
don’t pay attention,
take another pill:
be loose again.

I’m running away
through the look of my eyes.
I will never be that person again,
I’m leaving her behind.

Dye my hair,
cut it off,
buy new makeup,
wear different clothes.

And now,
I’m new.
The old me
has run away.

But the new me
still knows,
but now it’s watered down
and I can live it out. 

Acting like nothing’s wrong
solves all my problems
and it doesn’t take long
to perfect.

With you I see
the world crumbling
you think that it’s all me
you think that it’s all because of me.

I never shattered the glass in your life
I never tried to destroy our puzzle.
You did it all to yourself
by always needing help.
Don’t you remember who dragged you home? 

Look at you,
back so soon.
It’s nice to meet again.
Back in the darkness and despair,
you can’t resist and you know
that I’m the only one to care.

I rule you,
I rule you,
you stupid girl!
Don’t try to escape once more.
You’ll always end up back with me,
you know I am your core.

I’m in your brain,
I’m in your blood,
There’s no need to resist.
For I am your one and only love,
I’ve got you by your wrist.

Don’t deny!
I’m your one true love,
have I ever left your side?
Give up on being happy!
Sit back and detest the ride.

You thought you could do better?
You know if you try to be happy,
I’ll stop you in your tracks.
I’ll drag you down so fast, my dear
down here right through the cracks. 

“Thank you, Sir.”
Put the cigarette out,
six minutes off his life
…or is it seven?

“Hello, Sir.”
Light the cigarette up,
inhale the death inside.

My father taught me many things:
To thank the cigarette.
To pray for death to come too soon.
To be polite and call him “Sir.”